


Parallel Universe No. 36

by hannakin



Series: Universes [1]
Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-24
Updated: 2017-11-24
Packaged: 2019-02-06 08:56:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12814068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hannakin/pseuds/hannakin
Summary: In a parallel universe Even never left Bakka and Eskild never went to that gay club. A lot of things didn’t happen but Even still went to a Penetrator Chris party at the end of summer.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I know I'm slightly overkill at the moment with posting fic's but this fic has been on my computer for ages and I just wanted to share it. 
> 
> It is very angsty though I would say so don't say I didn't warn you :) 
> 
> I will probably post the whole story tonight or tomorrow I just need to edit the last two chapters some more but I also think it could work as a one-shot which I originally planned it to be.

Even was definitely starting to regret his decision to come to this party for more than one reason. Firstly, the house was crowded with high schoolers and he was not a high schooler any longer. He had finally been able to graduate only a year behind so he guess it wasn’t so bad in the end. Still he had vowed himself he was done with high school and high school drama after being stuck with them for another year while his friends continued one with their life.

Yet here he was, stuck at a party were everyone as younger than him and partying like there was no tomorrow. Secondly, he only knew two people. His cousin and his cousin’s friend, Penetrator Chris who was the host of the party. Even had yet to decide if he thought this penetrator Chris guy was a little pathetic or very pathetic for being unable to let go of high school even a year after graduation. Even at Bakka Penetrator Chris had managed to make a name of himself and he was known for hooking up left and right and invite everyone and anyone to his parties. Thirdly, while everyone else were completely wasted Even was completely sober. He had figured out that getting wasted wasn’t the best idea for him. He had actually made a promise to his parents to not drink as much as he used to and he was going to stuck to his words. Otherwise they would lose what little trust they had in him and he couldn’t stand them acting as if he was a small child who couldn’t even make the tiniest decisions without screwing up. He knew his parents loved him and that they wanted what was best for him but he really hated the way they tried to monitor him and lecturing him as if he didn’t know anything at all.

So here he was, stuck in the middle of an unfamiliar living room, surrounded by dancing and screaming teenagers, feeling a little bit claustrophobic even though he was taller than most of the people and he had a free view above everyone’s head. Looking around he tried to locate his cousin but couldn’t spot him anywhere. The loud music blared in his tired ears and his head pounded at the beat of the music as he tried to make his way through the crowd to find his way out. He needed some air or otherwise he would suffocate. He finally pushed his way through the crowed of dancing and screaming girls and stumbled through the mountains of shoes in the hallway not even bothering to find his own at this point.

Outside was an shocking contrast to the inside as he closed the front door behind him. The chilly air was a comforting break from the suffocating heat inside and even if the music still could be heard through the closed door the bass was muted out here.  Surprisingly the front garden was empty or almost empty. A few people stood by the drive way but neither took notice of him. Even sat down on the front porch, the concrete feeling a bit cold through his jeans. As he mindlessly dug through his pockets after his pack of cigarettes he took notice of a girl in front of him, standing only a few meters away. She looked about as happy to be at this party as Even felt.  Her hair was about shoulder long, reddish-brown from what Even could see in the dark and she wore a crop top and a tight knee long skirt and she had been crying. Her make-up was slightly smudged around the eyes and the tear stains on her cheeks was visible as the porch light lit up her face.  She looked at Even and the cigarettes in his hand.

“Uh,” Even said hesitantly.

“Mind if I sit down?” the girl asked quietly.

Even only nodded and moved slightly to the left to make room for the girl and she sat down without saying anything else. Even watched her carefully as she wiped at her face with the back of her hand.

“Not in a party mood?” He asked, taking a long drag of his cigarette.

“You could say that” the girl said. “Something tells me you are not out here just to smoke;” she added with a small smile to her face.

“You could say that,” Even answered. “I guess I needed to get some air. I don’t even smoke that much actually,” he explained and put the cigarette out against the ground. 

“So… do you know many people here?” The girl asked looking at Even curiously. “I haven’t seen you before I think”

“I actually only know my cousin and the host but-”

“You know Chris?”

The girl sounded a bit surprised.

“He and I used to have a thing,” She added.

That Even wasn’t surprised to hear. Penetrator Chris had hooked up with almost everyone.

 “So who are you then? If you don’t know anyone beside your cousin and you are out here alone smoking and looking way too sober for a party like this?” The girl asked curiously.

Even laughed.

“I actually graduated this spring and my cousin dragged me here and I wanted to be a decent cousin I guess so I came. And then I felt really old.” Even said teasingly, glad that the mood had changed to a slightly lighter tone.

“You are only a year older than me if you graduated this spring” The girl said “We are not that young”

Even just shrugged. He really didn’t feel like telling the girl he was actually two years older but hadn’t been able to graduate because he went completely crazy the first time he did year three.

“Besides, the music was absolutely shitty” He added.

“Oh I’m so sorry,” the girl said in mock hurt “Must be a lousy party were the music is too shitty and the other guests too young. No wonder you prefer to sit here alone.”

Even laughed again, actually enjoying this girl’s company.

“So what are you doing out here then?” He asked in a more serious note. “Shouldn’t you be inside with your friends?”

The girl was quite for a few seconds before she sighed deeply.

“I guess I wasn’t really in a party mood as I said. I figured I would like it if I got here but I was wrong and I really wanted to go home but I promised Vilde she could stay at my place and she doesn’t want to leave yet so…” Her voice died out and she looked absently up in the sky. “Anyway, I’m Eva by the way.”

Even took her out stretched hand.

“I’m Even”

“Pleasure to meet you, Even” Eva said and once again the mood was lighten.

“So where do you go to school?” Even asked.

“Nissen” Eva replied.

“Oh really?” Even said “I almost transferred there in my third year” he continued before he could stop himself.

“No way,” Eva said, looking at Even excitedly “Imagine if you had gone to Nissen? That would have been amazing”

Even played with the hem of his jacket nervously. He really didn’t like to talk or even think about school. Especially not when he was finally done with that chapter of his life. Finally able to move on and forward.

“I guess that would have been fun,” he said “Especially with those theatre nerds” He said. “Wait you are not one of them, are you?” He joked.

Eva laughed and it seemed she hadn’t noticed his absence.

“Ha no way. Though I got ambushed by one of them in my first year. I guess she wanted me to join the revue group or something but she was a little bit too excited for it not to be scary so I didn’t join them.“

“Aren’t they all” Even laughed.

“Well it’s not like hipsters are any better” She said with a smirk.

“Wait? Are you mocking me know?” Even smiled, looking around playfully “Are you telling me I’m a hipster?”

“Well there is no one else here” Eva teased, a smile playing on her lips. “And I can tell you are a hipster, thinking you are too cool for this party with horrible music”

“The music is absolutely horrible though” Even said pointedly. “You don’t like it, do you because if you do we can’t be friends” He joked.

“Oh screw you.” Eva said, playfully hitting his shoulder. “What do you listen to then, Even?”

“Normal music with soul,” Even said “Like hip hop, I guess”

Eva snorted loudly.

“Hip hop, is _not_ music known for having a lot of soul” She said.

“Not to you maybe,” Even started. “But if you get really into it and find the good ones it is awesome. You should try it sometime...”

When Even looked up at Eva she had a strange smile on her face.

“What’s wrong?” He asked.

Eva rubbed at her knees and Even could see her swallow before she answered.

“It’s just that you really remind me of a friend of mine. I think he would have liked you a lot” She said with a hint of sadness in her voice.

“Oh” Was all Even could say.

They sat in silence for a minute or two before Even finally spoke. He felt weirdly intrigued and curious about that friend of Eva’s. Maybe it was because he had felt pretty lonely recently and could really use a new friend who didn’t know everything about him already and saw all he had done before. Or maybe it was something about the way Eva had talked about that friend.

Before he could do anything the front door suddenly opened and the unexpected blast of music startled both of them. Even managed to turn around just in time to see a boy with dark curly hair stumble out of the door and not even noticing them two of them sitting on the stairs. Instead he blindly shoved past them, shortly followed by two other boys.

“Jonas, wait!” The blond one said and grabbed Jonas’ sleeve to get him to stop.

It seemed to work because Jonas stopped in his tracks which allowed his friends to catch up with him. Even could see him shake with rage, every breath ragged.

“I can’t believe he said all that stuff,” Jonas said furiously, loud enough for the small group who had up until know been minding their own business at the drive way, to look up. Now that there was some drama they seemed very interested.

“Markus is a fucking douche bag” the black guy with the snap back said trying to calm his friend down. “Let’s just get out of here, okay?”

“Yeah,” the blond guy said. “Let’s go home and we can play some fifa and have pizza. Fuck Markus, and fuck all these guys”

Together they managed to get the Jonas guy to move and the blond guy put a comforting hand on Jonas’ back. Even watched the three of them leave wondering what the fuck had just happened.

“Maybe I could meet that friend of yours sometime?” He asked hopefully trying to change the subject.

Eva didn’t look up for the longest of times but when she did there was tears in her yes.

 “Isak died in a car accident four months ago” She mumbled.

 

   ~

_Jonas learns about Isak’s death a few hours after it has happened. Terje calls Jonas’ dad on his phone. It’s a Sunday night and Jonas is in his room playing guitar when his father knocks on the door and steps in without waiting for an answer. He asks Jonas to come downstairs and the look on his face tells Jonas that something really bad has happened. At first he believes that it is his grandmother who is sick. It is not._

_His father sits him down at the kitchen table and his mother sits next to him. She has tears in her eyes and they roll down her cheeks and she can’t say a word. Instead she wraps him in her arms and it scares him how tightly she holds on._

_“Where is Thea?” Jonas asks._

_“She is in her room” His dad says “We want to tell you first”_

_And Jonas waits and waits for the bad news with his heart in throat. The seconds trail by and finally his father open his mouth and, fuck, Jonas wished he never did._

_“Isak’s dad just called. There has been a terrible car accident.”_

_Jonas can feel tears on his face now and his dad who didn’t even cry when he told his kids that their grandfather had died is on the verge of tears._

_“I’m so sorry, buddy, but Isak didn’t make it.”_

_The world stops after that and Jonas mother hugs him and his father keeps a hand in Jonas head and then Thea is there too and she is crying._

_“If you want to, we can go to Isak’s dads place. He and Marianne are there. She is not doing so good but they said we are welcome if you want to go”_

_“Whatever you want to do, sweetie.”_

_They end up not going and Jonas ends up not going to school for three weeks_.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second part

Even felt like a complete douche bag now. It was a small pause where Eva cleared her throat before she continued.

 “The guys we just saw, that’s Isak’s best friends,” she mumbled “Jonas and Isak had been best friends since they were only five. Isak’s death destroyed him. Honestly I think it destroyed everyone but Jonas and Isak were so close.”

“I’m really sorry,” Even stuttered, not sure what else he could possibly say.

While he had lost his friends neither of them was dead.

“It’s not your fault,” Eva said sadly. “It’s just really hard seeing Jonas like this. This summer has been pretty hard on all of us but especially Jonas. I think he feels guilty.” Eva stated, her voice still a bit quivering. “Isak pulled away last year and I think Jonas feels guilty for not trying harder to be there for him. For not pushing him harder to talk to him because only Jonas would have been able to do it. Isak had always been a bit closed off, especially when he struggled but usually Jonas would be able to help him.”

“I don’t know what to say…” Even continued, trying his best not to cry himself because he didn’t even know Isak and he didn’t have the right to feel this way.

Eva didn’t seem to hear him. Instead she dried her new tears with her hand again.

“I wasn’t a really good friend to him. We used to be really good friends but before he died we hadn’t really talked in ages. He did some stuff in year one that was pretty bad and it hurt me a lot. But he did it because he was lonely and miserable.” Eva said and took a deep breath before she continued. “He apologized and I forgave him a long time ago but it never was the same you know? We used to talk about everything but then all we did was say ‘how are you?’ or sometimes at a party we would talk for a few minutes. When I saw him in school I would tell myself that I would talk to him next week. I would ask him for a coffee next week. And then suddenly a year past and then he died. Now I can never ask him for that coffee and I can never tell him how much his friendship meant to me.”

Eva hid her face into her hands and Even rubbed at her back awkwardly.  He had no clue what to say in a situation like this. He had a feeling Eva blamed herself too and that a lot of Isak’s friends probably did. Even if he had no clue what had happened to Isak or before, the way Eva spoke about it told him heaps.

“I think,” He started hesitantly and watch the road outside the house on which Jonas and the other two guys had disappeared a few minutes earlier. “I think that you and Jonas and everyone else did all you could do. And I think that Isak wouldn’t want you to feel guilty.”

Eva shrugged.

“Maybe,” She said, whipping at her eyes again. “You are a nice person, Even” She continued giving him a snotty smile.

He smiled back, not believing her words. If she knew him she wouldn’t be saying things like that. Here she was crying over a friend who had died only four months ago, feeling guilty for not inviting him for coffee whereas Even had left all his friends behind without so much of a word despite their calls and texts. It had been over a year and he still couldn’t muster the courage to give them a call.  The deep contrast between them made Even feel like a dick. 

“I’m sorry for ruining your night” Eva said, probably noticing how deep into his own thoughts he was. “It’s just… I try to be there for everyone but I feel like I can’t really talk about all this stuff with my friends because they have their own things to deal with and they will probably just feel sad if I talk about him.”

“You didn’t ruin my night,” Even said.

It definitely wasn’t the night he had planned for but talking to Eva and even hearing about Isak had made him feel something. And feeling sad yet weirdly intrigued about Isak was better than feeling dull and numb. After Eva had said that she thought Isak would have liked him he just knew that he and to know about Isak. Even if he would never get to know him himself.

“Tell me about him?” He suggested carefully, watching for Eva’s reaction cautiously, not wishing to upset her. He had a feeling she wanted to talk about it. Otherwise she probably wouldn’t mention Isak in the first place. It wasn’t something you just mentioned to any stranger.

To his relief Eva smiled again and this time the smile seemed less sad.

“He was funny and sweet but also grumpy and stubborn,” She started. “He always was the best at roasting Magnus for all the stupid things he would say. Even though he probably said some really stupid things too. He was really smart and ambitious, getting really good grades and stuff.  He loved to smoke weed and go to the skate park with Jonas or play fifa. He loved hip hop, just like you and would always rap. It was really cute. He did some really shitty things but I know he did it because he felt lonely and rather than talking about it he held it all in, not wanting to burden anyone with his problems. And when it became too much he’d just do stupid things he’d regret later. This probably make him sound like this horrible person but he really wasn’t. He’d do anything for the ones he loved. He even arranged a fight when some guys beat Jonas up. Even if he couldn’t fight to save his life”

The both of them laughed slightly.

 “Anyway, he was a really good friend most of the time and he was kind and sweet and didn’t want to hurt anyone even if he did. “

“I know I probably didn’t know him as well as I would have liked. Especially not in the end but I know that he felt lonely and that he hated himself for who he was and that he didn’t understand why anyone would care about him.”

I would have cared about him, Even thought. 

“He sounds like a good person” Even said hoping that his voice was steady and that Eva wouldn’t be able to hear of affected he was by Eva’s words.

He was pretty sure it wasn’t normal to feel this way about someone who he didn’t know or would never have a chance of knowing. Oh how he wished, now after hearing Eva talk about her friend, to get a chance to know Isak. For all he knew Eva’s words could be just bullshit. After all when someone died they became a saint and everyone talked about how amazing they were but somehow Even believed Eva’s every word. She had described a friend who had done mistakes, and tried to repay them. A friend with good sides and bad. A friend who seemed to be as lonely and sad as Even sometimes felt.

“Thank you for telling me about him” Even said and meant every word of it.

Eva smiled again.

“Thank you for listening to me. You are a good listener and a good friend” Eva said.

With that she stood up and walked into the house again and Even was left sitting on the stairs.

If he had transferred to Nissen would he have been able to meet Isak? Would it have made a difference? Would Isak be alive? Even knew that if he knew Isak he would have done everything he could to make Isak happy and keep him safe. But then again? If Isak’s best friends were unable to help him why would Even? Why did Even think he would be any different? Sadly, he would never find out and that left Even feeling utterly devastated. The universe was too fucking cruel.

_~_

_Eva learns about Isak’s death the day after it happened. There is this weird feeling when she gets to school on Monday. Everything seems more quite. She can’t spot any of her friends so she decides to just head to her first lesson. She shares that one with Noora. She doesn’t even reach the classroom before a teacher calls out for her._

_“Eva, could you come with me?”_

_Eva nods and the teacher gives her a look of pity before leading Eva to an empty classroom. Or it is not empty because Vilde, Chris, Noora, Magnus, and Mahdi are already there. By the looks of it the only one’s missing from her group of friends are Sana, Jonas and Isak. Eva also notices that the headmaster and a few teachers are there. A least one of teachers is crying. Eva doesn’t understand what’s going on but she has a horrible feeling in her stomach. There has to be a reason to why all of her friends are in this room. She doesn’t want to know._

_“Jonas won’t answer his phone” Magnus says worriedly and wraps his arms around his girlfriend more tightly. “I can’t reach Isak either.”_

_“Sana had a dentist appointment this morning” Chris mumbles._

_“I heard someone say that someone died” Vilde says and kisses Magnus hand softly._

_Eva doesn’t have more time to think about it because the door closes again and the headmaster motions for them all to sit. And then she just informs them that one of their closest friend has died._

_“All of the students will receive the same information this morning but we felt like we wanted to tell you all together and separately from everyone else.” She starts._

_“It’s about your friend Isak Valtersen.”_

_Magnus breaks down and Vilde holds him as he cries. Her own tears flowing freely from her face. Mahdi has his face buried in his hands and Noora wraps an arm around him while stoically looking at the headmaster. They all wait and hold their breath. Eva reaches out to hold Noora’s free hand and Chris places hers over theirs._

_“Isak was in a car accident last night and he was hurt very badly. I’m so sorry but he died before the ambulance arrived”_

_Eva had probably known even before the headmaster says the actual words. But after that there is no turning back and all there is pain._

_“The school will be closed but anyone who wants to stay here is welcome to do so and we have a priest here and a psychologist who is specialist in this. I know this is a hard time for you but…”_

_No one listens to the headmasters words because their friend just died. Magnus and Mahdi hug each other now. Both of them shaking with sobs and Eva watches them cling to each other desperately._

_She notices Vilde still sitting by herself completely quiet so Eva pulls her hand out and reaches out for Vilde and just a few seconds later they are all hugging each other._

_This is the worst day of her life._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> last part will be posted soon


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Third and final chapter.

Even couldn’t let go of Isak. The thoughts about him were stuck in his head and after he had gotten home he had been unable to go to sleep. Now it had been a few days and he still couldn’t let go. He wanted to know more about Isak, couldn’t help himself but feeling a need to know more.

Even had looked on Instagram in order to look Isak up.  Isak was easily the most beautiful person Even had ever seen. So breathtakingly gorgeous. It scarred him a lot, thinking about how he was almost obsessed with this person that wasn’t even alive and he was afraid that it was slipping at first but he didn’t have any problems sleeping and he took his medication everyday as he was supposed to and so far neither of his parents had commented on his behaviour. Usually they were the first persons to notice if he was manic and they were always watching him like hawks.

It hadn’t taken him long to find both Jonas’s and Eva’s accounts after he had found Isak’s. Jonas had updated regularly up until the 17th of April. The picture posted there was the last on in the feed and it contained a picture of Jonas, Isak and two other boys – the boys who had been with Jonas at the party. There were lots of pictures of Isak on Jonas’s account and Even looked through them all with a tug at his heart. Then he moved on to Eva. She had updated her account more frequently. Almost immediately his eyes fell on a picture from a couple of months ago. It’s a picture of her and Isak where Isak was dressed in a grey hoodie and green jacket looking all cosy against his friend and Eva had her arm around him smiling happily.

The comments under the picture told him everything.

When he started to look through her feed for more pictures he noticed someone else.

“You must think I’m really weird to text you like this,” He said, fiddling nervously over his coffee. “I know we are not friends and that you probably think I’m stupid and I get it if you don’t want to talk to me after what happened…” He continued to ramble nervously.

“Relax, Even. It’s fine.”

Even looked up and was met with a small smile from the girl sitting opposite of him, nursing her cup of tea.

“I’m just curious to why you texted me” she added after a few second. “Curious but definitely not mad.”

Even nodded hesitantly, still unsure about the whole situation, almost certain he was overstepping.

“You do know that no one is mad at you right?” The girl asked. “Even I’m really glad you texted me even if we are not that close. Whatever you want to talk about I’m here for you”   

“Yeah,” Even said. “Does Elias know about you being here?” He asked, feeling his heart speed up.

Sana shook her head firmly.

“I won’t tell him unless you want me to, but Even, I know he misses you a lot. All of them do and I know that if you texted them they wouldn’t hesitate for even a second. What happened wasn’t your fault. No one thinks that”

Now it was Even’s time to shook his head because it really was his fault. He had fucked everything up and then run like a coward. And as much as he wish it was as simple as Sana suggested he knew there was too much buried to just resolve. It was better this way.

Sana sighed.

“I don’t know what to tell you other than that but I won’t tell Elias unless you want me to.”

Even nodded. He trusted Elias little sister with any of his secrets. Even though he only knew her as Elias little sister he had always liked her. All those nights spent at Elias house had given him a chance to get to know her in between gaming nights and friendly family dinners. But since he had stopped all contact with his old friends he hadn’t seen her in over a year. She looked a lot more grown up now days. Her make up used to be really harsh and while it was still pretty dark around the eyes she seemed a little bit softer and the hijab she wore today wasn’t one of her signature black ones she always wore a few years ago. Instead it was a light grey, complementing her white shirt, light blue jeans, and grey hoodie perfectly.

“So how have you been?” She asked.

“Okay, I guess” Even stated honestly. “I finally graduated and I’m looking for a job so that I can take year or so off before I go to the university. How about you?”

“That sound nice,” Sana said sincerely and smiled warmly “I’m glad you are doing okay.” 

“You go to Nissen right?” He asked bluntly.

She nodded silently.

“Look I was at this party the other day and I met a friend of yours, Eva? She and I got talking and-“

He took a deep breath before he continued.

“Maybe you don’t even know him but she told me about her friend that died and he went to Niss-“

“Isak?” Sana interrupted a little harshly. “Are you talking about Isak?”

Even nodded. He hadn’t expected Sana to know much about Isak but watching Sana’s reaction Even figured she probably did.

Sana frowned and bit her lip.

“Why do ask about Isak, Even?” She said quietly as if the thought of him made her sad.

“I-I-I,” Even stuttered. The last thing he wanted to do was upset Sana.  “I’m sorry. You know forget about it…we can talk about something else. Or I can leave-“

He knew he rambled again and this time Sana interrupted him by placing a soft hand on his.

“Hey, its okay” She said. “I just wasn’t expecting you to know him, that’s all”

But I don’t know him, Even thought. And that is the problem. He thought about lying to Sana and tell her that he did know Isak but it didn’t feel right.

“I don’t” He said instead. “Look it’s a long story and I don’t know if it will even make sense but I didn’t know Isak. But I guess you did?”

Sana nodded slowly.

“I guess I knew him a little bit.” She said and shrugged. “We had biology together and were forced to work together for the whole year.”

She looked up and Even nodded in confirmation.  Sana took a deep breath before continuing.

“At first we really didn’t get along. We were both kind of know-it-all.  I suppose and we would argue about almost anything. But then I realised how much he struggled and why he acted the way he did sometimes. So I guess I just said somethings he really needed to know and then we became friends. And when I struggled a bit in the beginning of the year he helped me a lot.“

“Sounds like you two had a great friendship” Even stated and Sana nodded slowly.

“Yeah he was a good friend to me. Probably better than I gave him credit for. It’s funny because at first I was kind of certain I would never get along with him but when I got to know him I had a lot of things in common with him. And he was there for me when I was in a bad place and helped me through it. He may not have been my best friend but we were pretty close I guess. I actually miss him a lot. ”

“I’m sure you were a good friend to him too, Sana” Even answered, trying to rid the look of guilt on Sana’s face.

“Yeah, but not good enough” Sana said harshly and almost knocked out her cup of tea.

“Look, I didn’t know Isak at all” Even started. “But I do know that you did what you could and I’m sure it was enough”

Sana smiled sadly.

“Why do want to know about Isak so badly?” She whispered.

Even was quiet for a few moments and tried to come up with a good excuse. In the end there was only honesty left.

“I really don’t know” He started. “I told you I met Eva and she just started telling me about her friend and I just felt connected. Eva said that I reminded me of him and that he would have liked me. And then she said that Isak was dead and I just felt like I had to know more about him. I feel connected to him.”

Sana watched him but didn’t say anything back.

“I know I sound insane” Even said, slumping in his chair and feeling shame blossom in his chest.

“You are not insane” Sana said putting emphasis on the word not like she didn’t only mean now.

“I just feel like I have to know him and I wish that I could have gotten the chance to get to know him for real and not through other people. I can’t explain it and it probably makes me weird but that’s all I can think about.”

Sana nodded as if she understood or wanted to understand.

“If it helps you, I do think the two of you would have liked each other”

It didn’t help at all because it only made Even want to know Isak more.  They kept quiet for a while. Even watched Sana finish her tea but didn’t make an attempt at finishing his own drink.

“Isak was gay and he struggled a lot with it. He kind of hated himself and I figured it out because he was always so hostile about my religion and at first it kind of pissed me off but then I realised that his mother was religious and that he was really scarred that she would disown him. I think he was actually scarred that he would lose everyone if they knew he was gay so he kept it inside and he didn’t tell anyone, not even his best friends. Basically he went around dating girls and hiding who he really was because of fear.”

Even could almost feel his heart break. It was so much like himself but at the same time not. Even had never really had a problem with his sexuality until he kissed Mikael. But him trying to rid himself of his “sins” was more due to his mania and desperation to keep his friends other than any internalized homophobia. It still had devastating consequences for everyone and Even lost everything that mattered to him in an instant. He didn’t like to think about what he had done because it was still so, so fresh in his mind and sometimes he hated himself for trying and sometimes he hated himself for not succeeding.

“Isak dated a girl Emma for a while, last fall. She was this gorgeous girl that everyone wanted and she and Isak dated for a while. But then she outed him. Apparently she found some stuff on his phone and they fought and she sent the things to her friend and suddenly the whole school knew about it”

“Most people didn’t care. People are pretty open minded I guess but Isak wasn’t ready and it wasn’t on his terms. And I guess it threw him off a bit because that is when he started to withdraw more. I guess his best friends were a bit upset that he didn’t feel like he could trust them enough to tell them.”

“Anyway then just around New Year’s Isak started to date this guy called Daniel. He was like four years older. No one really liked him, I’m mean he never hurt Isak or anything or Jonas would have killed him but he was just. I don’t know. He had a lot of his own problems and he was the one who drove the car the night Isak died.”

Sana looked up with so much anger and resentment in her voice.

“Apparently he had been drinking and for some reason Isak went in the car with him anyway. No one knows why but he did. Daniel was speeding and lost control of the car and crashed it. Daniel and the other passenger survived but Isak died almost immediately. I’m surprised you didn’t hear about it. It was in all the newspaper and everything. Like people were trying to contact us through social media and stuff to make us say things about Isak. It feels like it was everywhere.”

Even knew exactly why he hadn’t heard about it. Four months ago he had just crashed from a manic episode which had been difficult on all of them and the last thing on his and everyone else’s mind had been the newspaper.  By the time he had recovered enough it was already mid-May and the news paper’s had moved on to other things.

“I’m really sorry to hear that,” He said and Sana gave him a tight lipped smile.

“I miss him a lot sometimes,” She said sadly. “And because of Daniel Isak is dead.”

“What happened to him?” Even asked.

Sana shrugged.

“At first he was in the hospital but now I don’t know. The trial is next month. I never want to see his face again.”

They sat in silence for a while. Even could tell that he had upset Sana despite her trying not to show it, talking about Isak must have been hard on her.  

“I was actually going to go to his grave today,” She said suddenly. “Do want to come with me?”

“Okay,” Even answered.

 

Sana lead the way taking him through the neat rows of tombstones.

“This is it” She said once they were stood in front of the right grave. The stone looked more like a normal stone than a tombstone but it was beautiful. Sana leaned down and lit the candle she had taken with her and put new flowers in the vase and removed some of the dead leaves on the old ones.

“Isak’s mamma and pappa visits a lot but I like to come here in between so that it always looks nice” Sana whispered like it is some sort of secret and maybe it was. “I don’t think his other friends come her a lot and I can’t stand the thought of him being alone.”

“Mm,” Even mumbled distractively as he was reading the inscription of the stone.

Born June 21 1999 dead April 23 2017.  Not even 18 years old. How was it fair that Isak was dead? Isak would never graduate, never go to university, never get married, never have kids, and never again get to shine like he did on those pictures that had stuck forever on Even’s mind.

_In loving memory of our beautiful son and friend_

They stood beside each other without saying a single word to each other. Even kept thinking how unfair life was and that if he could wish for one thing at this moment it would be for Isak to get a chance to live. If not for Even, than for Sana and Eva and for Jonas who hadn’t updated his Instagram since it happened.

“I’m going to go now” Sana said sombrely nodding towards the gate in the other end of the cemetery. “I need to get home”

Even nodded.

“Thanks for letting me go with you,” He said. “I think I want to stay for a bit. If it’s okay. ”  

“Of course,” Sana said. “I’m sure Isak wouldn’t mind that”

Before she turned to leave, Even collected all the courage he could find.

“Tell Elias I said hi and that I miss him and the boys” He had called after her and Sana had smiled so brightly.

“I will” She had said and Even had almost laughed and how at peace it made him feel. Then when Sana had turned to leave again he suddenly remembered

“If you ever want to talk about Isak again I’m here for you but I also think that Eva would like to have someone to talk to”

Sana had been quiet before answering.

“Thank you, Even”

Even was not sure what to do after Sana left. Should he talk? Again he was reminded that he didn’t know Isak and yet here he was and he just couldn’t bring himself to leave. At least not yet.

“So I don’t know you. But I really wished I had gotten a chance.” He started. “I can tell that you friends miss you a lot and they love you so much. I’m not surprised by that at all. Eva told me you would have liked me and I hope so. I know for a fact that I would have liked you. I wish I could have helped you with whatever you fought so hard with and I think you could have helped me too. ”

_In a parallel universe Even transferred to Nissen and he saw Isak’s beautiful face the first day of school and on the 23 th of April they have a movie marathon together and Isak doesn’t die. _

_In a parallel universe Even didn’t transfer to Nissen but Isak never died and on the 26th of April they meet in the hospital and Even holds Isak’s hand and doesn’t want to let go._

 

 Before he left Even sat down on the ground next to Isak's grave and took his small note book and pen and started to make a small drawing. 

 ~

 

  _Sana learns about Isak’s death the day after it happened. She is late to school after a dentist appointment and when she arrives she can immediately tell something is horribly wrong. People are crying and whispering and they are looking at her, starring even as she tries to find her friends. She is about to give Noora a call when spots her friend coming out of the main entrance and she hurriedly tries to get them. Eva and Vilde have both been crying and by Chris firm grip around Eva’s arms she is still shaking._

_“What’s wrong?”_

_Sana doesn’t recognise her own voice._

_Chris shakes her head and Vilde throws herself around Sana’s neck and it makes Sana stumble backwards._

_“Isak is dead” Noora says._

_She won’t believe it at first. She just refuses to accept it because it can’t be true. Because she is about to have biology with him._

_It isn’t until Magnus and Mahdi are picked up by their parents she realises it is true._

_They stay in school for an hour or so afterwards. The school has sorted out some sort of grief conciliator and a priest and urges everyone who wants to come anytime during the next few days. A few students seem interested but Sana and the rest of the girls sit outside instead. Neither of them speak for the longest time but Eva just keeps crying silently and Vilde and Noora takes turn comforting her. After watching her for a while Sana can’t stand it any longer and abruptly stand up and collects her things._

_“Where are you going?” Noora asks worriedly._

_Sana shakes her head._

_“This is stupid,” She says and before anyone gets a chance to answers she turns around and leaves._

_She doesn’t cry until the funeral._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have plans to write a companion piece to this story in which Isak doesn't die :) Might take a while though. 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading til the end :)

**Author's Note:**

> Don't hurt me! I know a lot of people don't really like angsty stories like this so I don't have any high hopes for it but I hope you liked it :)


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